Christmas is a time for being generous. Give me that piece of food in your hand. Now leave me alone.
The Holidays are a joyous time. Like that time I peed on your bookbag.
Happy Holidays, to you, smelly human, and all your stinking human kin.
Oh, right. You’re “working.” How about working on getting me some ham, dumbass? Whenever you’re done looking at your exes on Facebook. Any time. Really.
We go together like bread & butter. Like kibbles & bits. Like my teeth and your ankles. Just right.
In my 112 dog years on this earth, I have learned a few things. Most importantly: People are annoying. Secondly: The smaller you are, the more of them you can bite without consequence.
That’s not advice, it’s a threat.
Hello Janki! You’re amazing! I’m so happy you were born!
For those times when life seems so overwhelming you just want to wilt into your person’s arm and give it all up, just remember: At least you stink like a champion.
As you can see, my beach body is all in order. Now get away from my stump, you stinking ape, the bitches await.
In honor of Independence Day, I’m giving you independence from dry socks. You’re welcome.
Happy birthday, special friend Nando. You are special in many ways: I ESPECIALLY want to snap at you when you cross the invisible line on the bed, I ESPECIALLY want you to hold still while I sniff your pantlegs for hours and hours (what else are you here for, sir?), I ESPECIALLY want you to give me the rest of that pork shoulder you are obviously cooking just for me. Most special about you is: you stink. Have a happy birthday, you big, lovable SOB. I appreciate your company all those times the Other One abandoned me